I
want to write you a letter. I need to. I want you to know that just
because I don't speak of you and I block out all the memories I have, it
doesn't mean I didn't love you. I love you
so much, too much, and I can't bear to acknowledge the truth. I can't
even write it. It's supposed to be in the title of the letter but I sit
here and it just won't come out. I miss you so much. I want my daddy
back. I want that big strong happy man to come
back through that door and wrap me up again.
I'm
21 that time,I'm too young to lose you. You haven't met your
grandchildren and I can't bear the thought of them not having
you in their lives, even though they don't exist yet. I can't get my
head around the fact that you just disappeared. No warning. Stupid
heart. My world caved in with one short, incomprehensible phonecall from
Mum. You'd have been proud of how fast I got home
though!
The
last thing I said to you was, "hari minggu kita p mkn clebrate fathers
day k daddy"I didn't know that you are not agree i'm going back to mama
house that time..
I'm so stupid and selfish that time.. I just ignore you and just walk
away from you that time after talk with you.. I'm sorry, I hope you
weren't waiting for me. If I'd known you wouldn't be there on Sunday on
"FATHERS DAY" I'd never leave you.. NEVER EVER..
I just want to talk with you and i don't want to let you go!! Maybe God
will not take you that time if we are together :'(
If
you'd hung on a little longer, I was
getting ready to come and see you both when Mum rang,wake up and ask
auntie to send me back home.. But you not waiting for me that you'd been
gone for hours by then.. All the way back home i was pray and not cry
because i know you will open your eyes when
i'll be there.. But daddy why and why.. You still closed your eyes when
i'm there.. Why you do this to me.. Why daddy.. Why!! I still wanna
talk with you.. I still wanna see your smile face.. I still wanna be
your liltle baby.. I still wanna u warn me everything
i do.. I still need you.. I need you daddy..
I'm
angry, so angry. But not with you. Maybe a little bit with you. We had a
birthday party for Mum and you weren't
there, but you weren't there like a massive whale in the fruit bowl
wouldn't have been there. Everyone is so polite, so nice, not mentioning
you in case it makes anyone sad. But I want to be sad, I want everyone
else in the whole world to be sad, I want them
to understand that when I kick out at them it's not really about them..
I just want to kick and they got in the way. You missed my 21st
birthday. That was mean. You should have been there. It was good fun and
all, I'd tell you about it but if you appeared
right now to listen I'd punch you.
Nothing's
OK any more, Dad. My life had just changed enough. Three weeks before
you died,i have my own salary for my new job.. You were
the one who was supposed to know about this..
You
didn't want this, I know it's not your fault,now I can't see through
the tears.Really what I wanted to tell you
was that you'd be so proud of us.We all came together and we were
strong, we did the funeral and we are still supporting each other all
the time. We're obviously not OK without you. But I guess we will be.
You made this unit so tight that it's unbreakable
even when it's kicking at boxes because it's missing the vital
component.
I
will always be grateful for that and I can only hope to bring my future
family up in the same
way. I'm sorry that I wasn't there, Dad, and I'm sorry for all the
things I should have told you but didn't ... but I suspect you knew them
anyway. I love you so much and I will get up one day soon and carry on,
and make you proud.
Love from me dd 