Rest In Peace Dad ;'(

I want to write you a letter. I need to. I want you to know that just because I don't speak of you and I block out all the memories I have, it doesn't mean I didn't love you. I love you so much, too much, and I can't bear to acknowledge the truth. I can't even write it. It's supposed to be in the title of the letter but I sit here and it just won't come out. I miss you so much. I want my daddy back. I want that big strong happy man to come back through that door and wrap me up again.

I'm 21 that time,I'm too young to lose you. You haven't met your grandchildren and I can't bear the thought of them not having you in their lives, even though they don't exist yet. I can't get my head around the fact that you just disappeared. No warning. Stupid heart. My world caved in with one short, incomprehensible phonecall from Mum. You'd have been proud of how fast I got home though!

The last thing I said to you was, "hari minggu kita p mkn clebrate fathers day k daddy"I didn't know that you are not agree i'm going back to mama house that time.. I'm so stupid and selfish that time.. I just ignore you and just walk away from you that time after talk with you.. I'm sorry, I hope you weren't waiting for me. If I'd known you wouldn't be there on Sunday on "FATHERS DAY" I'd never leave you.. NEVER EVER.. I just want to talk with you and i don't want to let you go!! Maybe God will not take you that time if we are together :'(

If you'd hung on a little longer, I was getting ready to come and see you both when Mum rang,wake up and ask auntie to send me back home.. But you not waiting for me that you'd been gone for hours by then.. All the way back home i was pray and not cry because i know you will open your eyes when i'll be there.. But daddy why and why.. You still closed your eyes when i'm there.. Why you do this to me.. Why daddy.. Why!! I still wanna talk with you.. I still wanna see your smile face.. I still wanna be your liltle baby.. I still wanna u warn me everything i do.. I still need you.. I need you daddy.. 

I'm angry, so angry. But not with you. Maybe a little bit with you. We had a birthday party for Mum and you weren't there, but you weren't there like a massive whale in the fruit bowl wouldn't have been there. Everyone is so polite, so nice, not mentioning you in case it makes anyone sad. But I want to be sad, I want everyone else in the whole world to be sad, I want them to understand that when I kick out at them it's not really about them.. I just want to kick and they got in the way. You missed my 21st birthday. That was mean. You should have been there. It was good fun and all, I'd tell you about it but if you appeared right now to listen I'd punch you.

Nothing's OK any more, Dad. My life had just changed enough. Three weeks before you died,i have my own salary for my new job.. You were the one who was supposed to know about this..

You didn't want this, I know it's not your fault,now I can't see through the tears.Really what I wanted to tell you was that you'd be so proud of us.We all came together and we were strong, we did the funeral and we are still supporting each other all the time. We're obviously not OK without you. But I guess we will be. You made this unit so tight that it's unbreakable even when it's kicking at boxes because it's missing the vital component.

I will always be grateful for that and I can only hope to bring my future family up in the same way. I'm sorry that I wasn't there, Dad, and I'm sorry for all the things I should have told you but didn't ... but I suspect you knew them anyway. I love you so much and I will get up one day soon and carry on, and make you proud.

Love from me dd